Hi anyone who’s reading, I’ve been married for 23 years now and we have one child. About eight years ago my wife had an affair which didn’t last all that long and it got resolved in the end. We both put it down to the old mid life crisis stuff and carried on. After that however she became increasingly indifferent sexually.
I tried talking about it and asked if was me that she had a problem with, she said it wasn’t but over the next two years things slowly tappered off more and more. I’ve continued to ask from time to time how she feels about it all and I don’t really get much of an answer. She says she is not unhapppy, doesn’t want anyone else but just doesn’t have the interest anymore for making love. It has now been six years since we have actually made love. She says it is more than likely that it is menopause that is causing it. I guess I’ve pretty much given up on asking anymore as it seems to get her upset. Other than that we are actually really happy together, we always were good friends.
The thing is that now I am starting to think about other women which is something I hadn’t done up till now. I haven’t been with another woman since we were married and just thinking about it makes me feel as guilty as hell, almost as if I actually had done so. I guess I just can’t see any way out of this, I can’t and won’t force her by way of blackmail or anything like that. I guess I’m just tired of feeling like this. Six years is a long time to wait. I don’t want to be unfaithful but I don’t want the rest of my life to be like this either.
Thanks for that, we had a talk today and going through the counseling bit is a no go I’m afraid. The thing is though my future is here, apart from sexually we couldn’t be closer. We both have our interests and we share and support each other on them. I firmly believe it is not a case of lack of love or any form of drifting apart. We are as close mentally as we were when we first were married, it is simply the physical side of things that has changed, and that really only since the affair.
I have blamed myself so many times over it in the past but do not hold any grudge. It was as they say only just one of those things. However it seems to have been the trigger for what has happened since. I think that is one of the reasons she doesn’t want to talk to others about this problem as she did get very hurt at the time.
I really don’t want to rake over those coals again, not because it in any way upsets me but because it seems to upset her. Every so often she will say sorry for what happened and I assure her it’s ok, but then it goes back to the status quo. I guess I just want to remember what it is like to hold someone again. Her and my son are the most important things in my life, always have been, and as far as I can see always will be.
I definitely believe she feels the same but that wall just doesn’t seem to go away. As two people go we couldn’t be closer, as lovers we couldn’t be further apart. I don’t want to do anything that will break that bond, but I feel I don’t want to wait any more. Maybe it’s best to let sleeping dogs lie. Thank you for your reply , it’s been a help just to be able to say this to someone else. I wish their was some kind of female viagra that would help.
Your post is so very sad and concerning. I must commend you highly for your willingness to forgive and forget your wife’s unfaithfullness. “She says it is more than likely that it is menopause that is causing it.” I seriously doubt that very much. Menopause will cause some hormonal changes, but I find it difficult to believe to the extreme that you describe. First, I would highly recommend that she see her GYN and have her testosterone level tested and checked.
A low testosterone level will diminish libido (sex drive). If her testosterone is low, then her doctor can prescribe medication to increase the testosterone level. If her testosterone level is normal, then there are other factors that need to be looked into.
STRESS (mental, physical, emotional) is one big killer of libido, be it guys or female. I would highly recomend that BOTH of you seek the advice and counsel of a marriage counselor. I REALLY DO. The counselor will not solve your problems, but will help to guide you to a solution.
No one session is not adequate, it will take a number of sessions over a period of 2-3 months. By the way, a number of health policies do cover marriage counseling. If your wife will not go with you to a marraige counselor, then I suggest that you seek the advice and counsel of a counselor by yourself. You will need to determine what is best for you and the rest of your life.
I cannot imagine not having any lovin’ for a few months, let alone six years. I can understand your feelings and temptation to be “unfaithful”. Please, at this time don’t. Wait until your wife has had her testosterone level checked, and you have gone through counseling. If in the end there is no change, then you will have to make a decision regarding your marriage. If you do decide on a divorce, then wait until it is final BEFORE you seek out another woman. Life can become VERY nasty when cheating is involved.