American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy www.aamft.org
Couples today expect more out of sex and intimacy than in any point in history. As we live longer, our expectations for conjugal bliss continue to grow, far exceeding those of prior generations. Current divorce rates highlight how rarely our expectations are fulfilled. So if you are like most people -- you are having sexual difficulties or simply want better sex and intimacy -- you will be interested in what follows.
The good news is that men with sexual difficulties can anticipate more acceptance and better options than ever before. This has come about, in part, by women openly acknowledging their own sexual problems (for instance, lack of arousal and lubrication, difficulty reaching orgasm, low desire, and pain during sex). Likewise, more men today recognize the terrible burden of traditional male stereotypes. And more women refuse to silently endure years of frustrating and non-intimate sex the way their mothers did. For these and other reasons, couples today are increasingly open to new sexual information and/or consulting a therapist. Here is information about both:
Male Sexual Problems
In the narrowest sense, male sexual difficulties involve getting or keeping an erection, ejaculating too rapidly, or difficulty reaching orgasm. What is hard enough, fast enough, and time enough (or too long) is best decided by the people involved, rather than by a clock or some arbitrary standard. When you are deciding, keep the following in mind:
--Most men experience difficulty with erections, rapid ejaculation, or delayed ejaculation at some time, and this is entirely normal. When it is frequent or pervasive, one partner or the other usually decides this is a "problem."
--Uneven sexual desire and dissimilar preferences in sexual style are normal and inevitable in long-term relationships. It is how you handle these that makes the difference.
--Do not confuse the average guy with the Energizer Bunny. Many men have low sexual desire, too. Just like women, lots of men know what it is like to feel pressured by their spouse's larger sexual appetite.
--Men's sexual difficulties usually decrease intimacy, too. When either partner has frequent dysfunction or low desire, both partners eventually retreat during sex into separate mental worlds of worry and frustration. Mind-reading during sex is not quite "the most intimate thing two people can do."
Sexual Difficulties Are Normal
You do not need sexual dysfunction to fall into this, either. Sexual boredom, lack of intimacy, low desire, and passionless sex are common and inevitable developments -- potentially, mid-stages in the evolution of your relationship. Underneath common sexual difficulties, the natural processes of self-development are often playing out.
While not enjoyable, they do not necessarily mean something is going, or has gone, wrong. Knowing this can help you relax and appreciate your relationship in new light.
Actually, sexual difficulties can be "beneficial" if you heed them as a wakeup call: There is more to sex than removing inhibitions or learning new techniques, and a great many things cause sexual performance problems and low desire. Do not blame everything on "hang-ups," sexual incompatibility, or the signs of aging or disease. And do not reduce current sexual problems to things from the past; it may be the natural growth processes of your relationship at work in the present. To get the sex, intimacy, desire, and passion many of us want, there is a lot of growing up to do.
Sexual "problems" can turn out to be odd blessings. When things finally become insurmountable and intolerable, some couples seek a therapist who helps them have better sex, intimacy, and a better relationship than they had before their "problem." Some of my own clients, initially embarrassed about seeing a therapist, proudly revealed what they learned to a trusted friend or a valued grown child.
Treatment Options
Men with sexual difficulties in prior generations had fewer options available. Treating erection problems with surgically inserted silicone rods, using vacuum pumps and injecting drugs into the penis left much to be desired.
Early versions of sex therapy seemed mechanical and technique-oriented to many couples, too. Today, erection difficulties, rapid ejaculation, delayed ejaculation, and low desire are all treatable problems. Advances in intimacy-based sex-and-relationship therapy and more convenient medicines offer far more effective and pleasant solutions than ever before. Many men have found help in a natural non-prescription form, too, with natural herbal aphrodisiacs formulas such as VigRX which help enhance size, performance and satisfaction. Even now, new medical miracles are on the horizon. But better genital function alone will not solve problems lying dormant in your relationship. There can still be some relationship repair to do.
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