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Posted by littlegreycat:
I hope someone can give me some advice and a solution? I would realy like to hear a man's point of view on this. We've been married for 2yrs, together for 5. I got preg after 7months (together) but our baby was s/b @ 6months. 6months later I got preg again but had a m/c, then another a year later, which was 2yrs ago, we got married since then. Our love life seems to be beset with tragedy! Our sex life has been sporadic ever since the s/b of our baby, but no it is non-existant. We are very good friends, have lots of laughs together, although with a history like ours it's hard sometimes... Until now we've muddled along, but now I'm 36 and getting a bit desperate for a baby. also with a history like mine I think we should get a move on. We both talk about our future with kids in the picture, he does as much as I do, if not more. But sex has become a bit of a taboo... a couple of times he has rejected me, so I find it hard to initiate anything. He has refused to get any counselling for our bereavment, he doesn't like talking to strangers about his probs, which is fair enough, and anyway he says he can talk to me if he needs to. The thing is he never thinks he needs to! His way of coping is just purely by not thinking about it, so it's always me who begins the topic, and then I feel as if I'm hassling him. Sorry to go on and on, but I really would be grateful if there was anyone out there who could give me some advice. Incidentally, he says it's not just that he doesn't fancy me, he doesn't fancy anyone (!) so I suspected he could do with some libido lifting supplements (zinc etc) I bought hi some, but he won't take them. Also he won't go to his doctor about it either. I love him deeply, and can totally understand his reluctance for sex if it always ends in some kind of death, but how can I help him sort it out?

Follow Ups:

• Re: My husband has gone off sex RichT (4) Hello Littlegreycat,
  After some thought regarding your difficulties and concerns let me continue from my previous post. I understand you desire for a child, however, I believe there are several things that need to be addressed BEFORE another pregnancy. First and foremost, you definitely need to seek professional medical advice and consultation with your doctor regarding your past pregnancy problems. PLEASE do find out what caused the still born and the miscarriage if at all possible. Your doctor will be best able to advise you concerning another pregnancy. Also, I would also suggest that you get a second opinion no matter what your current doctor advises. It is always best to have a second opinion.

  You and your husband DO need to seek counseling - To help both of you in your verbal communications, to learn how to deal with your past difficult pregnancies, and to basically improve your relationship. Being your husband has said "NO" to your previous commendable attempts to seek counseling, may I suggest that after you see your medical doctor, that you mention to him/her your desire to seek counseling, and your husband's reluctance to do so. Perhaps your doctor can sit down with both of you to discuss any future pregnancies, and at the same time to encourage both of you to seek counseling. It would even be best that an appointment be made by your doctor for a counselor while you both are still in the doctor's office.

  Now to your husband's low libido - STRESS is one big killer of libido, be it mental, emotionl or physical stress. Also, a low testosterone level will cause a low libido. I would recommend that your husband visit his doctor and have his testosterone level checked. If it is low, then the doctor can prescribe the appropriate medication. (By the way, stay AWAY from the zinc, there are TOO many bad side effects.) Do NOT play doctor yourself, PLEASE!!! If your husband's testosterone level is normal, then you know the problem is caused by other factors. Again, his doctor can best advise him on how to them proceed.

  SOOOooo, Advice: (1) see your doctor to determine the cause of your pregnancy difficulties, (2) both you and your husband sit down with your doctor to discuss his/her diagnosis, (3) have your doctor discuss the need for counseling and make an appointment for you and your husband, (3) your husband needs to have his testosterone level checked, (4) from the testosterone test, proceed as directed by his doctor. With the above accomplished, you will then have the knowledge on how to best proceed with your lives.

  P.S. - Counselors do not solve problems, they only guide you to a solution. That takes time, it does not happen with just one appointment. It may take 2-3 months to work through whatever issues need to be addressed. I wish you both the very best.

  • Re: Re: My husband has gone off sex little grey cat (3)
    Firstly thank you so much for your kind response. It really is helpful to know that someone can give me some advice like yours. Luckily I happened to give birth to our s/b baby at the hospital where my problem was first 'discovered' by the medical world, so the team there is at the forefront of medical knowledge about the problem. I have what is commonly known as 'sticky blood' (Leiden V), which means future pregs can be treated,with an 80% chance of success, with aspirin/heparin. It would still be classed as an 'at risk' pregnancy though, but I would be cared for 100% with scans as often as I wanted them and counselling during the pg if I wanted it. My other m/cs were put down as just 'one of those things' because they were so early and until I have a 3rd m/c they don't really follow it up. I don't think they were caused by the blood thing. I have been to 4 different counsellors since the s/b. the 1st immediatly afterwards, the next 2 at Mind (a UK mental health charity) which were not so good: the 1st left to move house and the2nd was a lovely lady but a bit strident and I couldn't really relate to her. I never told any of them about our sexual problem, though. Too ashamed i guess. Now I'm seeing another woman (who I have told) who has offered to see my husband with me this week, but he has said he will not come. (He does not know I have told her) He has been put off counselling by his experiences after the death of his mother. (they had a pull yourself together attitude, combined with religiousness. We're not religous, so that didn't help) Even though I keep telling him that all people, and therefore, counsellors are different, he is not interested. My doc. (GP) is pretty usesless: they offer a counselling service 1 day per month which has a waiting list of 6 months. Also I can't talk to him (he's famous for once recently asking me if I had any children!)My husband's doc is probably better, but it's a question of trying to persuade him. Don't get me wrong, he has been incredibly supportive of me since our s/b, - I don't think I would have survived without his help - but I think that may be part of the problem: he has concentrated so hard on being strong for me that he has suppressed his own feelings about it and now has got so used to not thinking about it that he doesn't want to bring it all up again and hurt himself once more. I think it's now my 'turn' to help him through this, and I'm happy to do so, but it's a case of 'You-can't-help-a-person-get-better-until-they-admit-they-are-ill' Do you understand what I mean? I also think you are right about his hormone levels. Thank you for the zinc tip by the way, but he doesn't take them anyway! I've thrown them out now. He once told me that before he met me he hadn't had sex for 2 years. I just thought that it was because he was single at the time and he's not the type to go out and get laid just for the sake of it. I'm pretty certain he doesn't (and maybe didn't)masturbate either. When I suggested (at the time he told me that) that he seek medical advice, that perhaps he had a hormone imbalance or something, he shrugged it off, and said he was happy with the way he was. He is quite affectionate with me, but as soon as we go to bed, we stay on our sides... It's been like this for over a year now, and we seem to have reached an impasse. I can't force him to see a doctor, or a therapist. When I suggested a relationship counsellor, he thought it meant the end of our relationship... I don't really know what to do. Sometimes he says that maybe he's the wrong person for me. I keep telling him that I know he is the right person, that's why I married him. I do know though, that it's not 'right' for us to be like this with each other. I don't blame him or anything, but I want to get it sorted out before it does crack things up between us. I really appreciated your last advice. Do you have any more, now that you know a little more about the situation? I would be really grateful. Thank you. Ps little grey cat is my cat Charlie... totally unwilling baby cuddling substitute for us both!

    • Re: Re: Re: My husband has gone off sex RichT (2)
      Thank you for the kind words, and for all the additional information you have provided. I am so very glad that with proper care and attention you have an excellent chance of having that child you want to very much.

      Somehow there must be a way you can convince your husband to seek professional help. If not for himself, he should do it for you and your relationship. Is there anyone that he respects and would listen to. Someone that you can talk to to have that person talk with your husband about the need to seek advice and counseling. Somehow he needs to understand that by his "inaction", he DOES run the risk of not only losing you, but adversely affecting the rest of his life. Have you looked at any books that may help. What about his parents, would they be able to convience him of the need to seek professional help?

      Sometimes it literally takes someone to literally physically beat that person up to "knock" some sense into them. (I hope you don't have to go to that extreme.) I know of a fellow on drugs, etc., whose brother literally beat him up before the guy straightened up. (The fellow is now married, has two fine children, and is a minister.) We exchange Christmas cards and letters every year. Okay, on with the "thinking" cap. I'll see what I can come up with a solution tonight.

      • Re: Re: Re: Re: My husband has gone off sex little grey cat (1)
        Thank you, once again for your advice. Yes I have often thought of talking to one of his friends about the situation. He is a very proud man, and can be fairly competitive with his friends, so he would see it as an act of betrayal for me to discuss our problems with someone, and god forbid one of his friends! As for his parents, sadly his real Dad disappeared when he was 5, and his Mum died a few years ago. He does not have enough contact with his sister(who he loves very much) to confide in her. His relationship with his stepfather is friendly, but tinged with a bit of 'feeling like he has to live up to expectations' and feeling that he has failed, so that is a no go area too really. I'm really sorry that every piece of very good advice you've given me so far has had a negative response! Unfortunately that's just the way he/it is! I am interested to know, though, about testosterone, and any other side effects that taking supplements of it may have? Do testosterone levels change in normal life as female hormones do? I don't know enough about it! Is there any way that diet for example, can change hormone levels? I do know that there are all sort of horrible chemicals in the water (chemical progesterone from the plastics industry etc) that have affected male reproductive health, but I know that those effects are mainly whilst in the womb. What I mean is, are men born with a lower test. level than 'normal' and thats that, or do environmental effects cause changes too? (ie diet, fitness & general health) I'm going to try to get in touch with a relationship counsellor that we can both go to from scratch. I think us going together from the start will be better than him coming in to a session with me, at least it'll be an unknown for both of us. I'll let you know how we get on, but in the meantime, I would really appreciate any more advice you can give... even if it does sound like it's no use, I'm still finding it helpful! Thank you again. LGC.
        • Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: My husband has gone off sex RichT (0)
          Regarding testosterone and whether its level changes in men, I know very little. Your doctor would be the best person to answer that question and others regarding male hormones. You may wish to go to the search engine "Google" and type in the words "testosterone men changes". Those web sites from such medical institutions as the Mayo Clinic, universities and bonafide medical doctors will also give you a good understanding of testosterone level changes in men. Just be careful and watch out for the "quacks" which are usually promoting a product, etc.

          Regarding suppliments - I frankly am not a believer in them, UNLESS my doctor would recomend that I take them. Again, as I stated in an earlier post, I don't think it is a good idea for those of us that do not have a medical degree to "play doctor", as it is "playing with fire" as far as I'm concerned.

          About water - I'm just curious, where did you get the information that there is progesterone in the water from the plastics industry? I frankly question the validity of that. Yes, there are some places where man-made chemicals may be present in the water that can cause problems. If you are concerned, then perhaps you may wish to drink bottled water.

          "I'm going to try to get in touch with a relationship counsellor that we can both go to from scratch." WONDERFUL!!! That would be one very important first step in my opinion. I really do hope that your husband will go with you, so that together you can learn how best to proceed. Just seeing the counselor will help to improve your relationship in my opinion. It may even be a good idea for BOTH of you to work together in selecting a good counselor. Both of you can talk to your respective doctors for recommendations. To me the more your husband can feel HE and you are working together, rather than you "pulling him along", the better things will go. Take care.
• Re: My husband has gone off sex RichT (0)
  A most interesting name. Please permit me to think about your post for a day or two because considering the difficulty BOTH of you and especially you have been through, I want to give you my best thoughtful advice. Let me just say a few things at this point. For starters, it is your husband who should be supporting you, loving you and giving you as much comfort as he can. Have you gone to your doctor/GYN and talked to him/her about the s/b and m/c? To me you and your husband must first understand what may have caused these most unfortunate happenings. Yes, both of you really do need to go to grief counseling. If your husband will not go, then you should at least go. Enough for now, I will write more later and no later than Monday. Take care, and I am concerned about both of you.

• Re: My husband has gone off sex Rohani (0)

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