P.S. - I understand your feelings of being "less desirable", but being you are otherwise still enjoying lovin' each other, I assure you he still finds you very desirable. Do try to be understanding, and tell him how much you love him. He needs to have your support and love in helping him to deal with and resolve his problem.

All in all, for help and advice, check with your primary doctor first to guide you in the right direction, to take action in confronting these issues. I'm sure the problem can be resolved and you'll see a differance for the better for your husband and yourself.

Some of it is undoubtably reduced sensitivity. There's a huge difference for me--for example--between wearing a condom or not. A lambskin condom seems to work better for me than latex--but that's hard to say for sure, because I found out that my lover was allergic to latex a little later. Some of it is just pressure. Paradoxically, I found that as my lover got excited she became more "open" and less tight--which tended to be less physically stimulating. But pounding a little harder seemed to do it for me, again. We experimented with a few different positions, and that helped, too. Sidesaddle, straddling her leg; from behind and legs held tight together--different things seemed to work at different times.

One thing I've heard that seems to be true for me is that most men and women need to be able to push with their legs and tense their hips, thighs and calves to come to orgasm. This basically holds true with me, which means that I can't really come to orgasm in an ordinary sitting position. I need to raise my knees like I'm bottom missionary, crouch, or stand on my tiptoes for best effect. The combination of experimentation and plenty of foreplay ultimately did it for me.

Psychologically speaking, and probably physiologically speaking as well, I actually got too excited to orgasm at first. I tended to overheat and my skin would flush. I honestly felt like I had a fever in the 110 deg F range. I drank quarts of water, at first. Later, it helped me a lot to learn to relax.

One thing that I never expected was the degree of self-consciousness. The thing is, coming to orgasm is a very personal and very private experience. For ten or fifteen seconds during my orgasm, I am completely vulnerable. Perhaps this is more expected for a woman because of the nature of the act, but it was a little unexpected for me. I might make a funny face or something, and under the best of circumstances, I give up control. I need to know that I can trust my lover not to make fun of me. Stranger yet was this realization: sex with another person is an exhibition, of sorts--it's a show for one. I actually get a little stage fright. I think of sex as being private--but total privacy would be only self stimulation.

I'm sure that the idea that sexual intercourse requires a lot of trust is old hat to you, so perhaps I would just concentrate on physical experimentation, but it wouldn't hurt to lower the pressure to cum. It's obviously reinforcing if he cums every time via self stimulation or oral sex. But a little physical frustration at that time might be a little more helpful. I didn't cum every time, and I didn't need to.

Reply: MSH
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