My husband is not interested in my body to make romantic intimate love and will not touch me. His testosterone levels are normal. He can get ready ok to make intimate love and he says he is not cheating. He says he is just tired for love making but, finds energy to do all his hobbies.
Last night it got so bad that I tore my shirt off in front of him in a deperate frenzie and put his hands on my breasts and cried "why don't you want me". He knows he is killing me but he wont even try to fake wanting my body and to make romantic love to me.
What is wrong with me? I am not ugly, I get hit on all the time by men of all ages, even 20 year olds, I am 35. I am very clean about my body. I am not inhibited sexually and have told him that I would try anything he wants.
He wantches the pain he puts me through and still doesn't even try. After last night he says that he can't stand seeing me this torn up and if staying with him is hurting me that much then I need to go, if I need to.
What can I do? I don't want to leave but I know eventually I will turn to someone else if for no other reason to just see if there is anything wrong with me. He says he can see how insecure this is making me but still does nothing.
Help me, please respond "somebody".
Reply by: RichT
Missy,
I have read your post several times. With his testosterone level being normal, and the fact that he has no difficulty to get ready says all is okay in that department. From what you have said about yourself surely indicates he should be turned on by you. He says he is tired, but still has time for all his hobbies. That would seem to indicate that for some unknown reason his interests seem to be more with his hobbies than with romantic intimate love. WHY? That seems to be the question.
I wonder about his upbringing and whether sex was considered a taboo. I wonder about his masculinity. I wonder what is it that causes him to be not interested in you and so "disconnected" from lovin'.
Over and over again I come back to the same thought - that the two of you need desperately to seek the advice and counsel of a marriage counselor AND a sexual therapist. They will not give you a "magic" answer. They can only take you through the process of guiding both you and your husband to a solution. It does not happen during one session, it will take a session a week for most likely two months for both you you, and especially your husband to sort things out. If your husband is not interested and reluctant to go, then I still recommend that you seek advice from both professionals. You need to sort things out for yourself on what is best for you.
Permit me to digress for a few minutes. We have been married for 39+ years now. Still when I turn over in bed and put my arm around her and hold her breasts it will take but a few seconds for me to be ready for making intimate love. If my wife tore off her shirt in front of me she wouldn't have time to grab my hand, my mouth would be on her breast immediately. (What a turn on that would be.) I am only telling you how I react and as I suspect most men would/do react to being close to their wife's wonderful body. My wife and I find that for us love making is best in the morning. At the end of the day our minds are still on so many other things, and we are tired and exhausted from our activities. In the morning we have had time to rest. The cares of the previous day are in the back of our minds. We feel refreshed from our rest and are ready for some most enjoyable loving intimacy.
Advice: May I suggest that the two of you together plan a weekend away from everyone and everything (including his hobbies). It should be for TWO nights, not just one night. It should be a time for the two of you just to enjoy being together. For the first day and even the first night, just let him unwind and relax. Then on the second day take a few walks, do a few simple things together. Have an enjoyable dinner together. Then let the evening become more romantic. Try not to push him, rather let him take the lead (or at lest feel he is taking the lead). The thing is to build up his ego and feeling of being a man and husband. When to do this I'm not sure. Should it be before you see a counselor or after. In some respects I tend to feel it should be after at least a few sessions with a counselor.
I wish the both of you the best. Sorry about my disconnected response.
Posted by Billy:
I beleive there are two things a man wants in a marriage relationship (besides sex) - respect and accomplishment.
Your husband's "hobbies" need to be put aside for a while and get him involved in something that will bring accountability to you or to a group of men (he needs people to relate to for respect, not toys!). A pastor or minister can help with this.
Addressing the sexual side of this: If your spouse is into porn take him to counseling (Again pastors are trained to help men get free of this). Even if you watch it or look at it together porn it will destroy the sexual side of your marriage (my opinion).
We are not made to be alone, and we are not made to view relationships in two dimensions (through a magazine or television screen). We live in five dimensions and have five God given senses, we all need help sometimes knowing how to use what we have.
2 Timothy 1:7
Billy
Posted by Bill:
Male performance anxity maybe the problem here.
Where as sometimes he can physically get ready to make love and sometimes he can get ready but cannot perform. It can be a mental thing that he needs to address with a sexual therapist.
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